Category: Parenting

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Adolescence – What Parents and Caregivers Need to Know

THE ADOLESCENT BRAIN

The child you once knew, who was interested in your descriptions of how the world works and loved your explanations of things past and present, who was courteous, confident, friendly and fascinated by the things you showed them, is gone.

Who is this new person who seems distant, different and hard to know? What can you do to get your them to go back to being your loving child? How did this happen?

The answer is that your child, if they have entered into puberty, is no longer a child (although they will always be YOUR child). Your child is now an adolescent. This is the stage of development, which spans roughly from the onset of puberty (age 12ish and often earlier) through the age of 18. This stage of development can be split into two substages, from 12-15 and 15-18. It is a stage of development that includes rapid growth, dramatic changes and more than a little vulnerability. It is also a time of identity formation, a challenging time when the brain changes from cognitive mode (in the prefrontal cortex) to emotional mode (in the amygdala); when neurons (the brain’s nerve cells) slow their exponential growth and start to prune and mylenize. This will eventually improve the efficiency of information processing, and help the prefrontal cortex be better at connecting to other parts of the brain. However, this process takes time and the growth is uneven and sporadic.

According to a 2021 study by UCSF Researchers Shawn Sorrells and Arturo Alvarez-Buylla, the at the same time that the cognitive brain is slowing down to do some Marie Kondo style tidying up, the emotional part of the brain is ramping up. “During childhood and adolescence – long after most of the rest of the human brain is finished growing – the amygdala continues to expand by as many as two million neurons, a late growth spurt that researchers believe is likely to play a key role in human emotional development” Link to UCSF Study by N. Weiler. This leads to a somewhat bumpy road for some adolescents and of course, their parents as well. The mood swings, and often early childhood-like behavior is a function of this brain development and can be as frightening and inexplicable to the young teen or pre-teenager as it is to you. Combine this with a dip in executive function, an increase in self-consciousness and a lot of changes in one’s own body and we can have a dramatic storm of behaviors, attitudes and emotions.

So what’s a parent (or caregiver) to do? Stay tuned for more details, but it all boils down to this…hold on (not too tightly) and enjoy the ride. This is not a time for panic. Take comfort in the fact that this is natural human development and has been happening for umpteen millenia. This is also something that we, as adults, have experienced and may remember ourselves (unlike the parallel rapid growth we did from birth to three). We can help our teens and pre-teens by offering information or access to information about their own bodies (including their brain development). We can share our own stories (but don’t expect an immediate and friendly response) and we can reassure our adolescents that this upside-down roller coaster ride of feelings is a temporary and necessary stepping stone to adulthood. This is time for grandparents, aunts and uncles, trusted family friends (think godparents) or other adults who have love, a bit of distance and perspective to get more involved. It is a time when creative and physical self expression, access to nature and periods of solitude and reflection can have a calming effect.

Your adolescent needs you and is looking at you (albeit sideways) to show reassurance and confidence in their ability to weather the storm. You need to build your own network of support and then be there for your young person until the butterfly emerges from the cocoon. Yes, your loving child is gone, but see the hope and promise of the amazing emergent adult that your adolescent is about to become. Believe in them even when they do not believe in themselves. And then, help your adolescent to see and believe in that amazing person too.

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Inspiring Our Children

Boy in a ballcap looking up at a sky with clouds

When we ask our students, especially upper elementary and middle school students, “Who is your biggest inspiration?” The majority of them answer with one of their parents or their grandparents.  You may not know it, but you are most likely, your child’s biggest inspiration. This may be daunting news to you but you are your children’s inspirational leader.

As parents we are fed a steady diet of idealized family life on television and social media, with families, traditional and otherwise, living idealized lives and seemingly spending hours of family time in their palatial homes engaging in snappy dialogue. Although the responsibilities and dramas in these perfectly curated scenarios may vary, these vignettes rarely inspire us in the way that real life people do. Social media, TV and movies are distortions of our reality, and to compare ourselves unfavorably to this false reality is a cruel temptation that we need to resist.

So who are YOUR real inspirations? Parents have very little time to think about this. Most of you are busy trying to pay bills, put food on the table and maybe even save a bit for college for your children. As parents, this takes up most of your waking hours. Some of you are still in school yourselves, balancing home, school and job(s). The temptation to feel guilty is one that I would urge you to resist. Your struggles, your busy schedule, your struggles, ARE the inspiration your child will later understand and appreciate.

What is it that we do to inspire our children to greatness? Let’s look at what serves to keep us going.  We may inspire ourselves with great leadership, books, and performances. We might have a faith community, a philosophical leader or an ethical tradition. Maybe we are working to further the dreams and aspirations of our own extended families. We need to share these inspirations with our children, openly, enthusiastically, and without reservation. Who do you admire? Perhaps you have a favorite sports icon, a historical hero or a pioneer in your field of work or hobby.  Perhaps you gained your inspiration from your own parents or grandparents. What makes that person or tradition an inspiration for you? Perhaps you are working to overcome your own negative experiences as a child. Sharing these inspirations with your dependents will inspire them to be independent.

In the 20th century hit by Ella Fitzgerald, Summertime, new parents sing to their baby, “One of these mornings, you’re gonna rise up singing. You’re going to spread your wings and you’ll take to the sky. But ’til that morning, there’s nothing can harm you, with momma and daddy standing by.”   

As bittersweet as that morning will be, your fledglings need to see you flying so that they will know how. We need to share our flights, our struggles and our perseverance with our children so they will fly high when the time comes.

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Special Needs Parents Are Special Too

“Children must grow, not only in the body but in the spirit, and the mother longs to follow the mysterious spiritual journey of the beloved one who, to-morrow, will be the intelligent divine creature, man.”

Maria Montessori – Dr. Montessori’s Own Handbook

Parents of children who learn differently, often require a bit more attention and understanding than what we, as school administrators, typically expect. If our schools are going to grow and thrive, we need to serve students with special needs. The atypical learner usually makes up about 10 percent of any school. Often in private or charter schools, this number is higher. If we are to serve these children, we must serve their parents as well.

What do these learners and their families need and how can we prepare environments where they can be successful? The number one thing these children need is a set of knowledgeable parents who are calm, informed and believe that the child’s teacher, principal, and staff understand and honor their child and his or her unique way of approaching the world. The children also need specially prepared environments, individualized and able to help them find their unique strengths and interests.

Parents who have recently received a diagnosis for their child or who are in the process of an evaluation will benefit from the gentle reminder that this change of understanding is going to take some getting used to. In her book for special needs parents, Special Kids Need Special Parents: A Resource for Parents of Children with Special Needs, Judith Loseff Lavin describes the process that some parents go through when coming to terms with the fact that their child has a learning difference. Loseff reminds that the news that one’s child is not a typical learner can be devastating to parents. She reminds us that parents, who get this news, may need to go through the stages of grief that accompany any great loss.

As an Elementary school principal, it is easy to get caught up in the initiatives, safety concerns, curriculum management issues and administrative duties that pull and tug from every side of the school. Taking the time to sit and help parents process the news that a child is differently abled is an honor and a huge responsibility. It is also worth it. If parents can connect, trust and come to accept their child’s uniqueness, then they, and we as educators, can form cohesive teams to find the best ways to meet their needs. Not every special needs child is like Jamie Oliver, Temple Grandin, Kiera Knightly or John Nash, but all of these contributors to society were once special needs students. We have a duty, and an obligation to help each child reach their full potential, and we can begin by helping each parent know that their child is unique and wonderful.

Working together as a team, the adults in a child’s life can prepare an environment of support, challenge, love, and guidance that will help the child grow in confidence. As a child with a special need learns new ways to compensate, create, and be successful, he or she will be able to reach their potential and use the gifts that they have. Talent, skill, and self-efficacy can grow in an atmosphere of support and self-reliance. Helping parents to see that their child, like all of the other children, are on a road to independence, and encouraging them to believe that they will get there, is the answer.

Resources

Lavin, Judith Loseff. Special Kids Need Special Parents: A Resource for Parents of Children with Special Needs. New York: Berkeley Books. 2001.

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Justice is Elementary – or – Life’s not Fair

"Unfair" by Runar Pedersen Holkestad is licensed under CC BY 2.0

“That’s not fair!” As anyone who has raised children during their elementary years, this chorus rings out sometimes several times each day. Siblings “fight” and the fine line between fair and unfair is constantly tested. There is a developmental reason for this that is worth exploring by parents and educators. Between six and twelve years, the child’s mind is oriented for comparison and contrast. As intellectual hoarders, the elementary aged child is collecting and prioritizing the entire cosmos. “Which came first, which one is faster, stronger, longer, better?” These are the questions that plague their curious minds. This holds true for social equations as the elementary student tries to piece together, from observation, the way that the world works. He or she is still in a state of innocence, assuming that grown ups know what they are doing and trying to find the rules to the game of life (and sometimes making erroneous assumptions along the way). What can we, as the adults in their lives, do to help them?

The answer lies in two things. The first is hard the second is harder. The first thing we must do is to be consistent. This is hard, especially when we are tired, stressed or feel guilty. Avoiding guilty parenting will make your child a lot happier in the long run, and for some of us, that is the motivation we need. Guilt sometimes leads to “giving in” and breaking the rules as children test our boundaries. The phrase “nevertheless” can be helpful to remember. “I know that so-and-so is allowed to play first person shooter games, but nevertheless, those are not allowed in our family.” The exhaustion and tiredness can also lead to trouble as we succumb to seemingly endless bombardment from children exposed to media and peers who do and have things that may or may not coincide with our family’s values. However, know that “giving in” is a slippery slope and, instead of leading to gratitude and satisfaction, it leads to insecurity and increasingly manipulative behavior on the part of the child. You are essentially teaching them that boundaries are made to be broken and that one can get what one wants by whining or worse, being manipulative.

The second and harder thing we must do is to model ethical behavior as well as faith that there is justice in the world (although it is sometimes difficult to win – it is always worth seeking).

Our just, honest and fair behavior, whether it is refusing to cheat on our taxes or going back to pay when we have been undercharged, sends a message to our children that we believe in the importance of the rules, and that when we disagree with rules, we will seek to change them and not break them.
When a child is mean, dishonest or cruel, we sometimes look to see if he or she has been a victim of some sort of injustice. In spite of age old adages, children are not naturally mean to each other. In fact, in natural human development, elementary children are extraordinarily compassionate and selfless. It is the child who has experienced injustice, sometimes at home and sometimes at school, who seeks retribution. Usually this “restorative justice” is not sought from the source of his or her own tormentors, but is taken out on others, in order to re-establish a sense of order and fairness.

The key is to create an environment where a child feels safe to voice his or her concerns. This can be difficult if there is already a brewing distrust in the world. The classroom meeting, the family council or the one on one peace table discussions provide a space for this. The other opportunity for us, as adults, is the long hard slog of consistency, with clearly defined boundaries that apply equally and always. This creates a sense of security and a belief that the adults in the world really DO have something to show us. Then we have to walk our talk and make sure to model our belief in a just world, where individuals can make and keep rules and everyone has a right to be treated fairly. Our children make us better adults in SO MANY ways, the difficulty and the joy is rising to that challenge every day.

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Baby, We Were Born to Move: Movement and Learning

Anyone with a child has experienced the bouncy energy that begins before birth and morphs to crawling, jumping, skipping and running. Freedom of movement is a requirement of development, without it, our muscles atrophy and become slack and weak. The connection is more than physical as research has shown the brain development in children who are confined to cribs in early childhood is curtailed and difficult to make up for.

Walk into any great classroom and see students moving, from activity to activity, from indoors to out, from activities that may involve groups or solo tasks or gardens. Movement is an integral part of most progressive forms of education and to a healthy childhood. As a physician and child development specialist, Maria Montessori knew that children’s minds and bodies require movement in order to develop. This movement helps them to grow and to concentrate. Movement helps to integrate learning in the mind, it helps to free the mind to think and make meaning of all it perceives. Children (and adults) evolved to move with their feet and work with their hands.

In The Secret of Childhood, Montessori wrote, “Movement, or physical activity, is thus an essential factor in intellectual growth, which depends upon the impressions received from outside. Through movement, we come in contact with external reality, and it is through these contacts that we eventually acquire even abstract ideas.” Take some time to move and to encourage movement for your child. Model a less stationary lifestyle that includes less sitting and more walking, and your child will be a mover and shaker well into his or her own adulthood.